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Grandma Scrotum

Dear Grandma,

I just can't seem to get lubricated enough during sex. I've tried buying personal lubricant but it always seems to feel greasy and it smells awful. Have you got any suggestions for an alternative?

- Dry Mama

Wet Stuff, Astroglide, Moist Gel� pah! We didn't have those namby-pamby concoctions in my day. We made do with what we had, and by crikey if it didn't work extremely well. I'm talking about cod liver oil, and in large doses. Yesiree, cod liver oil is one of the greatest substances known to man, cures everything it does. My own grandmother used to dose me up with a spoonful every morning and dang if I didn't grow up strong and healthy, even if I did smell a little like a fish and chip shop. My father used it to polish the furniture too, so it made sense that Fenwick and I kept a jar handy in the bedroom after we were married. We had some fine times with that cod liver oil� I recall being able to perform some really tricky three-point maneuvers that I'd only read about in the Kama Sutra. At one point we overused it a little dear Fenwick dang near slipped out the window, so I should caution you to use it sparingly.

Dear Grandma,

I came home early one evening and caught my husband wearing my panties. After the initial shock, we had some really good sex. But does it mean he's gay?

- Worried

Oh, no, no, my dearie, not at all. There are plenty of straight men who love the idea of a bit of lingerie. Indeed, I'm surprised there isn't an entire industry to cater for them. I had a go at making some for my dear husband Fenwick once, after I caught him trying on my best pair of Super-Strength Cotton Gusset Control Pants. The problem is trying to infuse a lacy pink pair of man-knickers with a macho aura. The advertising people wouldn't touch it, unfortunately. And then there's the issue of anatomy. You need to make sure the tackle has somewhere to go. Lord knows I tried to make satin shimmer Y-fronts with a nice ornamental brocade, but Fenwick wouldn't have a bar of it. Said they wouldn't go with his suspenders. Of course, it could simply be that your husband is after a comfortable pair of underpants, in which case you could go shopping together.

Dear Grandma,

I'm having a guy over to dinner that I really like. What can I cook to really get him revved up?

- Horny Chef

Conventional wisdom would have you feed him an entree of oysters, followed by strawberries, asparagus and truffles, all washed down by exquisite champagne. That's all well and good if you've got money coming out of your nostrils, but that's not how we did it in my day. During the war we were poor, dirt poor. We couldn't afford any hoity-toity expensive aphrodisiacs, oh no. We made do with sausages and a lot of creativity. In fact, that's how I originally seduced Fenwick. I put together a truly fine plate of sausages and onions, and I piled them in a very suggestive way. Then I put on my best suspenders, the ones that went all the way to my ankles, and regularly bent over to tie my shoes when he was eating. Within minutes the man was all over me like a rash, and my, didn't those leftover sausages come in handy. I've got friends who swear by the seductive qualities of tripe, but I always thought that was a load of old� cow stomach. My advice is: whack together a nice fry up wearing nothing but an apron. Not only will it seduce him, you'll come in well under budget.

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